The Confidence Reset: Why Confidence at Work Might Have Changed

A guest blog from Kate Tompkins

If you've noticed that you don't feel quite like yourself at work anymore, you're not imagining it. I hear this from clients all the time: people who were once completely at ease pitching in meetings, pushing back on a decision, or putting themselves forward for something new – and now they hesitate. They second-guess themselves. They stay quiet instead of speaking up.

I can think of clients who once ran whole teams or departments without breaking a sweat, and who now tell me they've rewritten a simple email five times before sending it or rehearsed a two-minute conversation in their head half a dozen times. Nothing about their ability has changed. What's changed is how sure they feel about using it.

The frustrating part is that most people don't even clock what's happening to them at the time. They might sense something feels off, but they're not sure what.

The signs you might miss

A drop in confidence rarely shows up as 'I don't feel confident.' Of course it doesn't – that would be too simple! It's not very often that I have a client come to me specifically to talk about a lack of confidence. Typically, it's something else which has led them to coaching. It's only once we've started working together that confidence (or a lack of it) decides to rear its ugly head.

More often, a lack of confidence shows up as:

• Saying 'I'll think about it' to opportunities you'd normally have jumped at.
• Over-preparing for things you used to feel comfortable winging.
• Staying quiet in meetings, then thinking of exactly what you should have said an hour later and kicking yourself for not saying it.
• Downplaying your experience – 'I only did X' or 'it was a while ago now'.
• Comparing yourself to everyone else in the room and always coming up short.
• Feeling exhausted after ordinary everyday interactions that never used to affect you.

None of these feel like 'a confidence problem.' You might just feel that you're being overly cautious, you're overtired, you're potentially losing your edge or you're not being realistic about your current situation. That's exactly the reason why it goes unnoticed for so long.

What confidence actually is (and isn't)

Over the years, I've realised that there are lots of myths out there about confidence. They are all things that I've believed myself (and despite talking about this all the time, I still have to tell myself regularly that they're not true!).

Confidence isn't a personality trait you either have or don't. It isn't something you're born with or without. Confidence is a state – one that goes up and down depending on what's happening in your life, and it's built through experience, not thought. You wouldn't go to the gym a couple of times and expect to suddenly have a six-pack. It's the same with confidence. You have to work at it, over and over again, for it to change.

It also isn't the same as being loud, extroverted, or having all the answers. Some of the most capable people I've worked with are quiet, careful, still-figuring-it-out types.

Confidence is simply believing you can handle whatever's in front of you – not that you'll get it right first time, or that you won't feel nervous.

Why circumstances change your confidence, even when your ability hasn't

This is the bit people find hardest to accept: your confidence can take a real hit even though nothing about your capability has changed.

Redundancy is a good example. One day you're doing a job you're good at, and the next you're out of it – not because you weren't good enough, but because of a decision that had nothing to do with your performance. And yet, most people who have been through redundancy understandably internalise it as 'there must be something wrong with me.'

A career break works the same way. Time away from a workplace – for maternity leave, caring responsibilities, illness, or anything else – doesn't erase what you know or what you can do. But it does change the story you tell yourself about yourself. The longer you're out of the workplace, the easier it is to start believing the gap is bigger than it is.

The circumstances you may find yourself in change. What you're actually capable of very rarely does.

Confidence and competence are two different things

This trips almost everyone up: we assume you need to feel confident before people will see you as competent. In reality, they're separate.

Competence is what you can actually do – your skills, your experience, your track record. Confidence is how sure you feel about doing it. You can be highly competent and still feel nervous. You can also feel very confident and be out of your depth (we've all been in those meetings with a really loud person who doesn't stop talking, yet what they're saying doesn't make any sense). Competence and confidence don't have to match, and waiting for them to line up perfectly before you act is where a lot of people get stuck.

Think about the time you learned to drive, or started a new job. You were almost certainly competent enough to get by from day one – you just didn't feel it yet. Nobody sits in the driver's seat for the first time feeling fully confident, and yet most people pass their test within a few months. The confidence caught up with the competence, not the other way round. Work is exactly the same. The skills you built up over years of experience don't switch off because you've had time away, or because you're trying something new. They're still there. It's the feeling of certainty about them that takes a bit longer to come back.

The confidence cycle: action, evidence, confidence

Here's the order most of us get backwards. We assume it goes: feel confident → then take action. It works the other way round:

You take the action → you get the evidence → then the confidence follows.

You send the job application before you feel ready. You speak up in the meeting before you feel sure. You have the conversation before you feel brave enough. And it's only after you've done it – and survived it, or even done it well – that you get proof. That proof is what actually builds confidence. Not positive thinking. Not waiting it out. Actual evidence.

Each time you go through this cycle, the next action gets a little easier, because you've got real evidence behind you, not just hope.

Why waiting to 'feel ready' keeps you stuck

If confidence only comes after action, then waiting to feel confident before you act is a trap with no way out. You end up waiting for a feeling that can only be created by doing the very thing you're avoiding.

This is why people can stay stuck for months, or years, telling themselves 'I'll apply once I feel more confident' or 'I'll put myself forward once I've got my confidence back.' It's time for some brutal honesty here. That moment won't arrive on its own. It arrives after the first uncomfortable step, not before it.

I see this most often around job applications and interviews after a break. Someone will say they're 'not quite ready yet' to start applying. When we dig into it, what they actually mean is they don't feel confident enough yet, which is a completely understandable feeling. But the only thing that will make them feel confident enough is going through the process: writing the CV, having the conversation, doing the interview.

Waiting doesn't build readiness. It just delays the point where the evidence starts coming in. It keeps you stuck for longer.

Practical ways to start rebuilding it

Luckily, there are some ways to start rebuilding this confidence. The caveat here is that none of these are instant. I wish they were, but sadly that's not typically the case. It takes time, effort and commitment. However, it's totally possible to rebuild your confidence, and it all starts by building up your evidence bank.

• Pick one small, low-stakes action this week. Not the biggest, scariest thing on your list – something small enough that you'll actually do it. Big and bold is great, but the chances of you doing that task are low, which then reinforces the lack of confidence. Speak up once in a meeting. Send one application. Ask one question you'd normally keep to yourself. Take one small action.
• Write down what happened afterwards. Not how you felt beforehand – what genuinely happened. Nine times out of ten, it goes better than you expected. You didn't just survive it – there was a positive outcome. That's your evidence.
• Keep a running list of proof. A note on your phone, a document, whatever works – a running record of things you did that you weren't sure you could do. Read it back before anything that makes you nervous. I always talk to my clients about having an email folder where you keep all the positive feedback that you've had about yourself. Trust me, it's a great way of picking yourself up when you're feeling a bit low.
• Separate the fact from the story. 'I've been out of work for a year' is a fact. 'Everyone else has achieved more than me' is a story. Notice when you've slipped from one into the other.
• Talk to someone who knew you at your best. A former colleague, manager, or friend. They'll often remind you of things about yourself you've quietly stopped believing. Add this to the evidence bank.
• Give yourself permission to be a beginner at the specific thing that's new – interviewing after a break, a new industry, a different way of working. Don't treat it as proof that you can't do anything, and don't let it spill over into the rest of your life.

Confidence doesn't come back all at once. It comes back one piece of evidence at a time, from doing the thing before you feel ready to do it.

If you've been waiting to feel confident again before you take the next step, that's probably the one thing standing in your way – and the good news is, it's completely within your control to change.

About Kate Tomkins

Kate Tomkins is an executive coach who helps people navigate career change, rebuild confidence and move forward in their working lives.

Kate is collaborating with Ten2Two on a new series exploring confidence at work – from returning after a career break and adapting to flexible working, to comparison, career direction and finding your feet in a new role.

If you'd like to find out more about Kate and her coaching, visit Kate Tomkins Coaching, or get in touch with Kate for a free, no-pressure conversation.